Ten tips for success in dating and relationships
Welcome to this week’s edition of Vitamin Z, a newsletter about health and wellness with 3,000+ subscribers. If you are new, you can join here.
In this issue:
Why relationships matter for health
The difference between chemistry and compatibility
How to figure out what we want vs. what we need in a relationship
Relationships—they’re one of the most important parts of living a healthy, happy life. A Harvard study showed good relationships are the single-biggest predictor of happiness. Yet many people struggle when it comes to dating and relationships.
Spend time in New York City and LA. One thing you’ll find in both cities: People who complain about dating.
In New York, I knew women who made dating spreadsheets to track every first and second date, where they went, whether the date ended with a kiss, etc. I knew a guy who had his doorman break up with women for him so he wouldn’t have to ghost them.
In Los Angeles, I know people who go to singles events like Love Isn’t Blind (a comedy dating show), Dating and Meditating (“conscious experiences for people to connect to themselves and others”), and Shop & Shag (where singles look for love while grocery shopping at Erewhon Market).
Men and women, young and old, straight and LGBTQ: Everyone’s got a dating disaster story they’re more than happy to tell you about.
It’s a paradox: In these amazing cities, full of wonderful, successful people, why does it seem so hard to find someone to date?
I wanted some answers. That’s why I invited LA-based dating coach Evan Marc Katz to lead a dating workshop for NYC in LA.
(Quick background: I started NYC in LA in 2020 to help build community for New Yorkers relocating to Southern California during Covid. The group has grown to 1,500 people and was featured last year in the New York Times.)
Singles and dating events are popular among the NYC in LA community. A majority of our members are single.
I wanted to create opportunities for people to meet other singles and foster healthy discussions around dating and relationships. When Evan offered to come speak to our group, I leaped at the chance.
Evan Marc Katz is the author of four dating books and a dating coach for “smart, successful women who have everything but a partner.”
Evan gave a masterclass for a group of 25 NYC in LA members on dating and relationships. As a single guy myself, I took detailed notes.
Here are Evan’s top 10 tips for making better choices in dating and relationships.
1. Have a “dating practice”
Spend 30 minutes a day on it, like a yoga or meditation practice. This means allocating time for:
Dating apps, messaging and calling people you’ve matched with, setting up dates.
Going to in-person events where you’re likely to meet other singles.
Being intentional about dating—spending time to reflect on what you’re looking for and how you can set yourself up for success.
2. Good qualities come with bad qualities
Evan had female guests write on a poster with the prompt, “What’s wrong with men?” Responses included: “Expect sexual intimacy right away”; “Don’t want commitment / to grow up”; “Feel threatened by an independent woman who has her own thing going.”
Male guests were given the same prompt about women.
Later in the event, Evan asked the women to respond to a different prompt: “What’s GREAT about men?” Women shared positive attributes they associate with men, e.g. “They make me feel safe and protected.” The exercise was meant to illustrate that everyone is a mix of good and bad qualities.
No one is perfect.
3. Chemistry gets you into a relationship, but it doesn’t maintain a relationship
Of course, chemistry is important. But it’s not everything. Chemistry doesn’t always correlate with compatibility, which is what you need for a relationship to last. Go for a chemistry 7, compatibility 10.
4. Adjust your requirements
A lot of people want to date themselves, said Evan. They make a list of all their own good qualities and look for someone similar. But do the math and see how far that narrows down your dating pool. Don’t change your personality—but do adjust your requirements for a partner. Maybe you don’t really need someone who’s six feet tall.
5. There’s a difference between compromising and settling
They both involve tradeoffs. The difference: You settle your way into misery, you compromise your way into happiness.
6. Be “slow to hire, quick to fire”
You’re the CEO of your love life, and the people dating you are the interns. Relationships should progress at a certain speed. Couples should form a relationship within 4 to 6 weeks. Talk about living together within 18 months.
7. Good relationships are easy
If it takes work, it may not be worth preserving. Making an effort in a relationship is normal and healthy. But it shouldn’t feel like work.
8. It’s about how they make you feel
A successful loving relationship isn’t about whether they are the best person on paper. It’s about how your partner makes you feel: Safe, heard, understood, respected, calm.
9. Have some humility
Evan reminded people to stay humble when dating: “Remember, for all you have to put up with her flaws, she has to put up with your flaws, too.”
10. Wants vs. Needs
Evan handed out worksheets and asked us to write down two lists:
List 1 is “What I Want,” a list of things that describe your dream partner. A long list of attributes that we’re looking for—personality, appearance, you name it.
List 2 is “What I Need.” We were asked to write down five things that are deal-breakers, things that may have been missing from past relationships.
Evan said: When you start dating someone new, as soon as you realize they’re missing one thing from List 2, it’s over. List 1 is the “Bonus List.”
The “What I Need” list typically involves five things:
Character
Kindness
Consistency
Communication
Commitment
I shared what I learned from Evan’s talk on Facebook. One of the comments, from a happily married friend:
“I find that people really get #3 wrong and they don’t know what compatibility really feels like. My quip for this is—compatibility feels like breathing air, or freedom, weightless.
A compatible partner should make you feel that you don’t have to change one bit of yourself and that you don’t have to modify your behavior to fit with the other person.
I’m 13 years happily married with several previous monogamous relationships and this (plus a mutual commitment to working it out) has been one of the most important parts of keeping our relationship healthy.”
As for me, I’ve taken a break from dating. It’s been several months of no swiping, no planning first dates. I’m taking time to focus on myself and clarify what I’m looking for.
I made a lot of mistakes in dating and relationships in my 20s and 30s. I thought I knew what I was doing, but in many ways I was flying blind. The relationships I had, and the many ways in which I sabotaged them, I’m now able to see as an important part of my personal growth.
It’s nice to have time to step back and reflect on what I’ve learned about dating and relationships. Each person I’ve dated, every relationship, has taught me something new about myself. When I get back into the dating world, I want to be thoughtful and intentional.
To learn more about Evan’s work, you can check out his newsletter and podcast here.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What are the best tips you’ve gotten when it comes to dating and relationships? What’s worked for you?
Thank you for reading this week’s edition of Vitamin Z.
Until next time,
By Daniel Zahler
Hi there and thanks for reading. If you stumble on my newsletter, you will notice that I write about health and wellness, and ways to optimize cognitive, physical and emotional health. I work with the world’s leading healthcare and life sciences companies to develop innovative new solutions to improve health globally. I was trained as a research scientist at Harvard, and I serve as a GLG council member where I advise global business leaders on healthcare and technology innovation.
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